I wrote these a little while ago... but I feel them now... and each day which carries a heavy burden...
When I was a kid…
I used
to have nightmares about being trapped in my dreams. Like someone who is in a
coma. Only . . . I knew I was trapped within a dream. And in the dream, I would
have dreams. But… every time that I would wake up, it was to the horror, that I
was still dreaming!! Still trapped within this dream world! And THAT for me…
Was
a nightmare!
Now, it
seems… I would give anything to dream. To sleep. But I am trapped within this
waking dream. This never-ending state of being awake, and not being able to
sleep. But still feeling lucid. I would relish the thought of being trapped
within a dream now. Ironic really.
Being
awake has become my new nightmare…
Feelings,
Emotions,
Come pouring in like a deluge. Filling up my mind like a
swarm engulfing me in it’s chaos.
Amidst
the swirling, I do sway. Two and -fro like a sailor upon a ship at sea. Only
the waters of life have taken quite a tumultuous turn. And within the raging
storm, I cannot see.
I was
searching for this signal. Hoping for a sign…
And scanning the
horizons… like someone desperate to find.
The
land. The land. How our desperation grows.
We need
to find the shore, or forever meet our doom.
There
upon the waters, we swim the highs and lows.
The body
aches, the night sweats, the daytime sleeping troughs.
The
insomnia,
The
anxiety,
The
ever growing needs.
We
hesitate, each plan we make… hoping only to succeed.
Why
can’t I just concentrate?
Sing
the voices in my head…
I
need to focus on these things. Or I will end up dead.
But
every now and then he calls.
And
distractions further tease.
What’s
wrong with you?
I’m
sure I know. But I’m hoping not to see.
I
need to go, to get it done. So much to do, I need to run. I’m at a crossroads,
I’m on a galley… the storm is growing… we could lose the ship!
Do you
see the dangers here? The panic in these eyes?
The
worries building… and the fears?
Everything,
building up behind?
My
head is aching with all these things. I can no longer hold the reigns. The
bilge is overflowing now, the lower decks are filled!
The crew
is in a panic. The captain has been lost. Perhaps the entire ship is, what a
thought she has.
This
is how it feels, when one hand of fate, is dragging you beneath the depths.
And
another one, is pulling up, your very limbs to wrend!
The
rain is barring all you see. And darkness, mist which clouds your eyes. You
fight out through the raging wind and rain. But battling the waves is one
thing.
Battling
your dreams is another.
And your
feelings still another…
The
chaos which now fills your soul. Does keep you on your toes.
But also
causes your head to swirl, amid the fleeting pause.
No
brief respite can cure us all.
No
sunlight through the blackest clouds.
There
is not light upon the sea, when the storm is beating against thee.
Only the
rain, and only the winds. Will water surround us, until we are drowned?
But
for the swimming of our heads. The swirling chaos, bends.
Tell
me what to do…
Please!
And leave me be!
But do not torment
me until it’s done. I haven’t time to, I’ve got to run.
I’m
later now, then I was before. I’m burning up, worse than a sore.
Your
making worse, what never was. I assure you, I was.
Keep
on pricking, keep on scratching… and your sure to never let it heal.
You’ll
make it worse… make worse and worse… until you make me bleed.
Won’t
you leave? And let me heal?
Won’t
you leave the scene?
You’ve
broken this, and it never was. It’s becoming a serious thing. Your burning
scars into the skin. And killing what’s within.
Her
joy is lost.
His
spirit cost.
The
emptiness within…
Is
becoming this, this vastest sea….
of
watery graves we dig.
I close my eyes and start to dream…
Visions of
this great bird falling… a colorful plume of feathered wings outstretched. Like
taking air mid-flight. It’s talons reaching ever downward. As if to reach for some poor soul. And a light
that cascades around them. Like a beam from heaven reaching downward. Soaking in
this… like heaven’s last light. I see this… and I gape in wonder… but only for
a moment… slumber.
And when
I have awakened from this dream. Do wonder what it means.
Such
travesty, since it is just a dream. And nothing more. So it should be
dismissed. Another lesson in life we learn. To forget the things that come to
us. In lucid moments when we are writhing in despair. So should we, leave this,…
not much is fair.
And life’s
fairest articles, must also die with us. That there may never be…
Such
beauty.
~CLynn💧
