! . . .The GRIT . . .!

... always take notes.

~CLynn🙇✏

--|-- Food For The Soul --|--

               What can you do?

What should you do?

                                             When you are going through a kind of a hell?

Do you ignore it?

               Pretend like everything is fine?

                                             No.

And you certainly don’t pretend to be happy.

But I found the only way I can endure…

               The only way to make it easier…

                                                                                                         Like punching a wall,

                                                                                                                        To relieve the anger…

Like smashing in a cardboard box,

               To express your frustration…

                                                                                          Or biting your tongue until it bleeds,

                                                                                                                        To soften the pain that you feel…

When we endure hardship…

               It is the only way we can get through…

                                             When the waves get high, and the cold freezes your bones…

When the anger swells within…                 And the frustration mounts…

When the hatred bubbles your veins…                   And the pain becomes blinding…

When the wind whips at your face…                       And your muscles tighten beneath the strain…

What do you do?

               Do you ignore it?

                              Looks like you’ve drowned.

Do you talk about how refreshing the breeze feels on your skin?

                              There goes your house…

Do you close your eyes and imagine a better place?

                              There goes your arms…

Do you imagine a happy place?

                              And your legs…

               Do you think about puppies and kittens?

                                             Oh, aren’t they cute? Especially when your dying inside…

No!!

                              You grit down! You buckle up! You dig in your heels, and clench your fists! You grit your teeth and you get your hands dirty! And scrape up the pieces! . . .

You don’t take the abuse, but instead you get even.

               How do you expect someone to endure a great suffering?

I… could never handle that whole thing… I was miserable there.

               And everybody seemed to just make it worse. Acting like it was nothing. And gloating about their wonderful lives…

               Each day I would grow sicker from it…

                              Going home to an empty bed. While they walked off to their homes with their families arm in arm… Cradle infants. And kidding with little old mothers…

               I could never go through the same horror I went through before…

Ignoring the fact that she is crying while your brother loses focus onto other things, to try to cheer her up…

I nearly saw it again…

               Through the eyes of another man…

               And it still killed me inside.

               If I must be alone, let me be. Please!

Or acknowledge the misery… acknowledge me please!

               But don’t pretend like it’s ok. Like I shouldn’t really care.

Like I should ignore that fact that I’m alone. Or that I’ve never been married at the age of 31 now…

Or never had kids…

               While kids half my age have done all of that and more…

               And go home to a house full. And get to complain about a mess… that one of their loved ones made…

               It had sickened me…

                              And it still sickens me…

                                                            To this very day.

I had friends…

               And then those friends went away…

                              They found other friends…

                                             Other lives…

                                                            Other family….

I guess they’d rather be around.

                                             So, why are they in shock and awe over this?

When I tell them I never want to see them again?

                                             I don’t have that kind of luxury, you know.

                                                            So, I would rather be alone, then be around people that make me feel even more and more alone…

Because by myself, I make good friends.

               Friends that never walk away…

                                             Loyal always to a T.

               There when you need them.

                              Always there for me…

                                             And they are pretty much, like me…

                                                            We are all the same there…

               And we talk very little…

                              Because we really don’t need words.

               We already know…

                              We already know…

That’s why I’m happy.

Will you let me be happy?

               Will you let me go?

                              Let me be happy?

               Maybe one day…

                              I will find a friend who stays….

                                             One who is loyal…

                                                            One who accepts me…

                                             Always there…

                                                            Always ready to share…

                              But never pushes me to change….

               Never forces me to be something else… To act a certain way… Or to pretend like everything’s ok… when it’s clearly not…. so, you can return to your solitaire, miserable, lonely stare…

               Give me someone, who will cry with me!

Give me someone who will share my misery!!

                              Give me someone who’s sincere!!!

Not someone… who doesn’t care.

               Give me someone who can do something, to prove they truly feel your pain?

To help you out, when you fall in the rain…

               Not someone who will shake their head. Or bow it low, when you run out of bread. Sobbing like in spirit, when they watch you from afar. And then celebrate with others, while you persistently fall sinking ever deeper into the mire.

               I don’t need your pity.

                              Give me your hand.

               And I don’t need to be around people,

                              Who constantly remind me of the things I don’t have…

               Maybe they don’t realize it. But it is the reason I’ve been weeping.

And maybe they’ve been watching… but they go on . . . boasting…

                                             Keep boasting…

                                                            Keep reaping…

               I hope this is your time….

                                                                                          I sincerely hope your joy surrounds you…

                                                                                                         Until your end in time.

Because, you can’t be joyful forever…

               Suffering like nothing in the wind…

                                                                           And one day I will have my turn.

                                                                                          And then you can sink while I do the swimming!

The day is coming.

                              Oh, let it come.

               I’m waiting to return the favor…

                              Waiting to gloat about the sun!

                                             But I don’t plan to gloat at all… because I do see and know the truth…

Because I know that every little gift from above, is truly precious and sacred to.

               So, I won’t say I’m miserable, when those days come.

                              Or complain about the burning heat.

               Or argue with people, over how adorable is he?

Because I will be too busy being happy. And looking all around. To find the soul that stands to weep. That soul which should be you…

               And I will gather to them, see… but not in a force able way…

And give of what I know they need… not pity… and not a parade…

               Not love… and not just a helping hand… but copious amounts of feed.

               To fill not only their empty bellies. . . . .

                                             But also their hearts,

                                                            Indeed.

[- April 19, 2018 -]

   ~ CLynn

...Power of The Flame...

The following 2 posts will be pretty depressing:     Probably just whining, to most. I really don't care, since this is mostly to vent anyways...

But after these 2 posts... I intend to post my "GRIT".  Grit = 2. resolution, fortitude, courage.

          What interesting bits of granules keep me pressing on in spite of things.

               You can go through hell for a person…

But they will still use you for what they can get out of you.

               No matter the situation.

You can work yourself ragged. Pushing to keep things under the pin of a tightly wound finger.

And they will still find a reason to hate you.

               Forget the fact that they’ve tried…

That they’ve pushed themselves beyond their limits.

               That they’ve worked their fingers to the bones.

You just have what you need from them. And that is all that matters, now.

This applies to myself as well. I will hate you, if you are always trying to change me…

              

Just what kind of game are you people playing?

               I’m just falling back from the pain of sore muscles… for carrying the heavy burden of living alone.

               And you seem to think that it’s all fun and games…

               You are either my friend or my enemy…

                              But you continue playing the field.

Continue to press your luck… How far can you bend the rules? Before you break them?

               And then start begging for my forgiveness… pushing me to do the same.

My hands are bleeding…

               From my own crimson blood.

                              But you still seek to push me…

               Someday…

You won’t find anyone left… to push.

4/15/18

                                                                 ~ I know I've said it before...

                                      But... I need you to hear a little more...

                                                                    ~CLynn✊

Rotech Healthcare Inc. Really Doesn't Care...

Come an listen to my story...
                about a pissed off Chick...
                                  she was happy as a clam,...
                                                  until she done took sick...
                 Then the doctor took a look... and said,  "You have OBS! Your going to need to sleep from now on on this..."

              CPAP Supplies...
                Greedy Bastards...
                         After your $$...

And Yes... this is a

                        But seriously, I feel it pertinent to explain another life struggle to the masses, that ever as they often do, go unnoticed....

                    So, the tale is true. I was diagnosed with OBS (Obstructive Sleep Apnea). A common condition in which the airway gets blocked during sleep. Resulting in periodic interruptions of the breathing during sleep. Also resulting in frequent loud snoring, among other things....
                 So the sleep doctor I was seeing, prescribed me to be put on a CPAP machine. (CPAP = Continuous Persistent Air Pressure therapy) In order to regulate my breathing during sleep as is customary to ensure a complete and restful night's sleep. Since severe OBS can result in things like heart disease, incontinence, and other weird side effects apparently... over extended periods of time.
                Now into the touchy, uncomfortable part of this tale: Finances!


How much does a CPAP machine cost you?
                 apparently around $1330.00. Not including the regular supplies you need to change out on a regular basis. Such as:  Tubing (for the air), mask, filter, ect.

How much did it cost me?
               Well,... I wouldn't have been able to afford this, obviously with my own meager income $600.00... Unless of course I made a deal with the devil. Sometimes I think,... insurance companies are pretty much the same thing. But I digress.

                  So my insurance was willing to pay for this machine for me. Under a contract with Rotech to 'RENT' said utility from them. They agreed to pay the health supply the regular monthly payments in order for me to use the machine, under the condition that I use it regularly.
               However, I was not aware at the time, that they would be regularly checking the machine to see that you were using it all the time. Apparently there is a certain amount of time you are supposed to use the damn thing each night...
            Hmmm... wouldn't you know it. I don't always happen to sleep through the night.

            So as expected I did have a lapse in use. Which I kind of figured would be forgiven, given the circumstances that I did not know about this before.

            Anyhow, due to this, they decided not to send the replacement supplies, until they had proof that I was using the machine regularly.

              During this time, the current supplies began to degrade (if you will) over time. After a time, you can only clean them with soap and water so long, before they become too dirty to get clean. And you can't use alcohol, due to the sensitive nature of the nasal cavity etc. If you don't use clean supplies, you can get sick from this.

          So, basically, they gave me two choices:
1.  Purchase the supplies myself. In order to continue to use the machine, so that I could get a decent reading from it, enough to get more supplies...

[-OR-]

2.   Use the supplies I had, which by now were filthy! And would surely make anyone sick, to use!

                                          So I chose not use them. Obviously. I'd rather not use the machine at all, than end up sick again, like the last time I had that throat abscess. Which for all I know may have been caused by it!!    >_<

              And today I get this letter in the mail:

               Requesting that I return the machine within the next 15 days... or my already poor arse credit, will be made even worse!!!

         So now I have to drive... all the way into freaking FORT WORTH, using up the last of the gas in my car!! Just to take the damn thing back to these people!

          I tell you,... I have the right mind to take it back to them alright...
I ought to drive up to their mother freiken office... and chuck the damn thing straight through their window!!

You can have your useless piece of good for nothing crap machine!! (>_<)


Healthcare... hmph... more like health rail road robbery!

                                                                           

                                                                      ~CLynn👿

TS - Part IV

Part IV

               It’s almost interesting. That the things most people take for granted, are the things that seem the hardest for me to handle.

               It took me all week, just to get this far… because I don’t have anyone there to do the work for me, while I devote my life to studying the arts.

               Everyone has the labs done. They want to be their own damn teachers. They’ve completed the exams and taken the certifications. Earning high marks for every course they take. And sacrificing a social life in the process to do it.

               It’s unfortunate, that besides not having a social life, I also have no time for myself. I push myself, always… until I break down inside. And then I turn to my only vices for relief. A crimson smile, a sweet delight, a hack and a slash with all of your might.

               And each dragon she bestses, which falls to the earth, like a tree in a forest… gives me another five days… of relief from the curse.

               Now there are many who will fail to understand such things… but then there are those, to whom it is… crystal clear… what I’m saying here.

               To them, I have only to say, …

               “I will NEVER give up. Not one day!”

               Even if I should fail… I must not give up! Because to give up, would be the same as taking a step towards failure. Or deliberately trying to screw up. How could a person live with themselves? Knowing that they were the one who pressed the button…? That dropped the bombs… That left the tiny babies below gasping for air, until their last precious breath…

. . .

               I cringe upon the thoughts, that those people should go on living with us…

               And all the while not realizing the horrors they have inflicted upon God’s dearest of creation.

               But again… that is just the weight of the world.

               And while they gloat over their impressive scores, and self-astonishing wins!  The rest of the world is busy… picking up the shattered remains and struggling to find the strength within themselves… to continue on in spite of themselves.

               Their expressions on the day of judgement, will be what I will most readily look forward to… More than anything really…

               To see them gawk in amazement… when God damns them to hell over all of this…

--

               Honestly… what is it that I am doing wrong?

               He’s TIRED again… she is too. But only of this struggle back and forth…

               She’s keeping a record… of all of the hardships. Counting the tears, you might say. To ask these back from God someday.                 

               How many innocent lives must be lost? Before you change these wicked ways?

              

               I work really hard. So hard, I gave up praying, so I could have more time to get the work done, that I needed to. What’s the use… he never listens to me anyway…

               And still I find I’m falling behind.

               Everyone has got something done…

               But I have nothing to show for all of my hard work.

               They say to me… inside, “They are getting their just desserts. Even now… They lived so fast, and now they die so young…”  How is that a comfort to me?

               They shouldn’t have to die at all!

               Death is not a comfort, from what has been taken from me…

               At least they lived their lives.

               I’ve been plugged along, always trying to enjoy my life…

               But always I am in the wrong. For this.

               No one should be allowed to enjoy life anymore. That is the decree of those who have been left desolate. By the saviors, by the heights, be damned!

               And when?

               When will it be my turn?

               To turn around and say, “This isn’t fair!!!”  With no one to deny me!?

               When?

                                                                  

                                                                   ~CLynn