The Days of Distress

(Ecclesiastes 12:1)

I finally get to the point in parenting, where the little one finally is sleeping through the night... 

and then...             as luck would have it,... 

         I find I can't sleep! 

     So here I am... beyond a new level of tiredness and exhaustion, to which I have never before experienced!! A combination of that full-time motherhood thing, and cleaning, and what not. 

 ... staring at the ceiling for approximately 2 straight hours... 

                     with an entire freiken WORLD of thoughts running through my head. 

 -----> "The Lady that was killed in the riot/protests at the capital...     could that have been Pelosi?     They did say that some of them had smashed her name tag in her office..." 

 "Where in the world did I put that Wallet?" 

 "Should I continue to focus on cleaning? Or switch to working/finding a job online? Or perhaps selling all that useless junk I have?" 

 "I wonder what it would be like to die?" 

 "Alistair sure is cute. I love him soo much... but taking care of him is hard on my psyche. 

    What if I'm not cut out for this?         He would deserve better..." "

        But I can't just let him go. I love him too much.             I feel like a mother Koala in the wild. Don't you dare try to take or harm my precious little baby koa!!" 

 "But could I do more?" 

                         "I try soo hard." 

                                     "It's never enough." 

                                                     "It's NEVER enough." 

 "Would it be that hard to be a robot?" 

                                   "I already feel like one some days." 

 "Maybe I could just do that, and not care about myself at all...                      just cook and clean and care for everybody else... because that's what is expected of me. I don't need a life. Right? But I do need to feel... or else I cannot care for Ali. 

     I wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. 

Fuck y'all. 

                             This isn't YOUR life! 

 This isn't YOUR STORY!!              This is mine. 

 I just really don't want to care what you have to say to me anymore. 

        Your advice is like sharp knives and you wield them like a clumsy juggler.     You hurl them at me like a blind man with a death wish.         And they wound and stab... cut and slice... brase and marr the outer flesh! 

 Unless you have a Ph.D. in something...         FK your advice. 

Or unless it ACTUALLY helps.              A rare occurrence indeed. 

 The best advice given to me so far, was by a doctor... { Don't let anyone tell you how to raise and care for your baby! You do what you feel [even in your gut] is best for you and your baby. Don't listen to what anyone else has to say. Just worry about taking care of you. Taking care of YOU and that little NEWBORN! } 

         Soo far, it's been the best advice yet.      Always steering me back in the right direction. While others desperately try to steer me wrong... 

 I think it's because their own lives are soo miserable and horrid, that they want to take it out on others, so that they can make them feel just as bad as they do.         Jealousy.             That is what it all boils down to! 

                 You can't be happy, and you think that others are doing better than you, so you try to make them think that life is NOT all peachy keen as you seem to think they have it. 

 Believe ME when I say this:  Jealousy doesn't suit you, my dear. 

 We all have our crosses to bear.      Our self-made purgatories, as Spock so eloquently put it. 

 But if you spend your time lashing out at others, you will find yourself alone. 

 And if you don't remember to help yourself, and worry about your own problems,         you will be like this forever. Miserable and a sore upon everyone you meet!" 

 I awaken at 3:00 AM to these thoughts whirling around in my head.         For two straight hours, they grip me like a shadow demon! Or like the powerful claw of a predatorial bird!! 

 You must think me mad by now! 

     She should take her own advice...              not true. 

 I do!

         I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU HOW TO RAISE YOUR KIDS!              HOW TO KEEP YOUR HOUSE.           HOW TO JUGGLE YOUR FINANCES. 

 but I hear that sort of thing,... from people who think they are the key examples of perfection in parenting and life... 

         (9_9 ) ... right... 

     And your kids are currently         . . . doing what exactly? 

 And you're happy with that?          ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?              NO! 

 Kids usually in prison, usually in trouble, usually taken away, or abused... issues to expound upon. 

And you sit there like... I should listen to you... 

 All I can say... is...      if these angry thoughts could just leave my head,...      I would love to go to bed. Instead of wishing I were dead. 

 PPD is REAL! 

 And I would kill to be able to sleep again. -_- ZZZzzzzz... 

It makes me really sad when I get those thoughts... because... motherhood is soo...

 ~ CLynn