Just Breathe again

 

Just Breathe

 

                                                            So here I am, feeling overwhelmed again. As usual. It’s not that I have waaaaaaay too much to do, that overwhelms me most! Although, that is also a huge factor in this. It’s that my life these days are as chaotic and crazy as a mental patient in a retirement home for seniors. You never know from one second to the next what’s going to happen. Whether someone makes a horrible mess on the floor using bodily fluids… to something making you laugh soo hard you are the one that makes the mess. And if that wasn’t worse, now imagine there are NO ORDERLYS AROUND!!

Just an imagining of how I feel... There is not actually that many people involved. -_-'

               That’s right!

               Just me and the chaos!

               Sounds fun right?

               My thoughts exactly…

               So, yeah, I get overwhelmed sometimes…

               But I may have found something. . . something. . . that will help me. . .  . . .

                              To stay calm through the storms and raging seas that this little cutter is forced to fare.

 

               ~*+*~   Crocheting!   ~*+*~

               Yup.

               It’s back.

               And it’s helping me. Helping to remind me…

               That no matter how chaotic life gets.

               No matter how crazy things are around me…

               Or how much I have to still do…

v  School Work,

v  Changing Diapers,

v  Feedings,

v  Changing Clothes,

v  Watching Baby Carefully,

v  Study,

v  Phone Calls,

v  Doctor Appointments to schedule and make,

v  The Family Budget,

v  Shopping Lists,

v  Cleaning,

v  Dishes,

v  Laundry, (it will always be there for you. -_-‘)

v  Driving,

v  Sanity,

v  Cooking,

v  Etc…

 

               That, there is still something I can do! Something I can accomplish quickly. And something I can control.

                              

I CAN CROCHET.

                              And every stitch is like a deep breath in… you got this, look! You made another stitch. Another stitch in time.

               And breathe out. . . Look! You completed a chain!

                              And in…               Look! You completed a set!

               And out. . . A scarf!

                              . . . A Loop!

                                             . . . A Hat!

                                                            . . . A pair of mitts!

 

                           And after… jump right back into the breach!

 

-      -|-  10/13/2021

The Days of Distress

(Ecclesiastes 12:1)

I finally get to the point in parenting, where the little one finally is sleeping through the night... 

and then...             as luck would have it,... 

         I find I can't sleep! 

     So here I am... beyond a new level of tiredness and exhaustion, to which I have never before experienced!! A combination of that full-time motherhood thing, and cleaning, and what not. 

 ... staring at the ceiling for approximately 2 straight hours... 

                     with an entire freiken WORLD of thoughts running through my head. 

 -----> "The Lady that was killed in the riot/protests at the capital...     could that have been Pelosi?     They did say that some of them had smashed her name tag in her office..." 

 "Where in the world did I put that Wallet?" 

 "Should I continue to focus on cleaning? Or switch to working/finding a job online? Or perhaps selling all that useless junk I have?" 

 "I wonder what it would be like to die?" 

 "Alistair sure is cute. I love him soo much... but taking care of him is hard on my psyche. 

    What if I'm not cut out for this?         He would deserve better..." "

        But I can't just let him go. I love him too much.             I feel like a mother Koala in the wild. Don't you dare try to take or harm my precious little baby koa!!" 

 "But could I do more?" 

                         "I try soo hard." 

                                     "It's never enough." 

                                                     "It's NEVER enough." 

 "Would it be that hard to be a robot?" 

                                   "I already feel like one some days." 

 "Maybe I could just do that, and not care about myself at all...                      just cook and clean and care for everybody else... because that's what is expected of me. I don't need a life. Right? But I do need to feel... or else I cannot care for Ali. 

     I wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. 

Fuck y'all. 

                             This isn't YOUR life! 

 This isn't YOUR STORY!!              This is mine. 

 I just really don't want to care what you have to say to me anymore. 

        Your advice is like sharp knives and you wield them like a clumsy juggler.     You hurl them at me like a blind man with a death wish.         And they wound and stab... cut and slice... brase and marr the outer flesh! 

 Unless you have a Ph.D. in something...         FK your advice. 

Or unless it ACTUALLY helps.              A rare occurrence indeed. 

 The best advice given to me so far, was by a doctor... { Don't let anyone tell you how to raise and care for your baby! You do what you feel [even in your gut] is best for you and your baby. Don't listen to what anyone else has to say. Just worry about taking care of you. Taking care of YOU and that little NEWBORN! } 

         Soo far, it's been the best advice yet.      Always steering me back in the right direction. While others desperately try to steer me wrong... 

 I think it's because their own lives are soo miserable and horrid, that they want to take it out on others, so that they can make them feel just as bad as they do.         Jealousy.             That is what it all boils down to! 

                 You can't be happy, and you think that others are doing better than you, so you try to make them think that life is NOT all peachy keen as you seem to think they have it. 

 Believe ME when I say this:  Jealousy doesn't suit you, my dear. 

 We all have our crosses to bear.      Our self-made purgatories, as Spock so eloquently put it. 

 But if you spend your time lashing out at others, you will find yourself alone. 

 And if you don't remember to help yourself, and worry about your own problems,         you will be like this forever. Miserable and a sore upon everyone you meet!" 

 I awaken at 3:00 AM to these thoughts whirling around in my head.         For two straight hours, they grip me like a shadow demon! Or like the powerful claw of a predatorial bird!! 

 You must think me mad by now! 

     She should take her own advice...              not true. 

 I do!

         I WOULD NEVER TELL YOU HOW TO RAISE YOUR KIDS!              HOW TO KEEP YOUR HOUSE.           HOW TO JUGGLE YOUR FINANCES. 

 but I hear that sort of thing,... from people who think they are the key examples of perfection in parenting and life... 

         (9_9 ) ... right... 

     And your kids are currently         . . . doing what exactly? 

 And you're happy with that?          ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?              NO! 

 Kids usually in prison, usually in trouble, usually taken away, or abused... issues to expound upon. 

And you sit there like... I should listen to you... 

 All I can say... is...      if these angry thoughts could just leave my head,...      I would love to go to bed. Instead of wishing I were dead. 

 PPD is REAL! 

 And I would kill to be able to sleep again. -_- ZZZzzzzz... 

It makes me really sad when I get those thoughts... because... motherhood is soo...

 ~ CLynn

How You Doin, Alistair? ---->

On May 21st 2020,  Alistair gave us both a thumbs up. Almost as if to say, I'm good, ma and pa. *[^.^]*

Can you believe that? Not even born yet, and already soo frieken adorably cute.

The doc, me, and Bryby all also caught him sucking his fingers. Not sure which ones, but talk about cutie pie. 👶

Must take after his mom. ^_~.  Lol.

       

                                                                       

 So these are the copies of the ultrasound I had which revealed that indeed I was having a boy. 💙🍼

💙 I haven't even seen him on the outside yet, and am already in love. 💙

And so you can have a full-scale view of my ever-growing belly,. . .

I present you with those photos as well.

Not to brag or anything. But rather to show my fellow mom friends out there, how pudgy this baby has made me. Haha. #YOUARENOTALONE

Week 19  Day 4   💃

PS:  Link to the Baby Registry on Amazon!   <----C L I C K  HERE

~ CLynn

My Pregnancy: Week 16 Day 2

                    Ok... So I started this post on Week 15... but unfortunately lost it due to a slight internet browser error. (or so I believe. f-n technology). But I will try to reiterate what was written in that one. (-_-')

                   To begin with, NO I DO NOT YET KNOW THE GENDER! We won't know until after I see the Gyn/OB by week 18!  So no need to ask meh. I really don't know. My best guess would be... girl. Based on a magic eight ball that also predicted the pregnancy. 😕 Seriously! Otherwise, there are conflicting wives' tales. It's a girl... no... it's a boy because of this... or possibly a girl due to that... No one really knows for sure. So we will ALL be surprised to finally find out. 😆


                  Nextly, I have to say it's been an extremely difficult time for me. I'm upset to say the least of it. This is because I was told the second Trimester was supposedly the "Happy Trimester"   *air quotes*

                           Pffffffffffft...

                  Let me tell you how,... HAPPY... it's been...

                          Since the start of Trimester 2, I have experienced the following symptoms:

                Nausea          

Yup. Despite the lessening of nausea from the first Tri, I still get the symptom every once in a while. Sometimes due to forgetting to take a certain medication. Or so I believe. But been eating almost as often as I pee, which has helped in this area immensely. So... not as bad. But still there.

Constant Urination!

                                                  

Yup. I even get up several times a night because I have to pee. Which is usually followed by hunger again. So I get up, pee, and eat, and then try to return to sleep. But only for another 2 hours before my bladder wakes me up again. I'd drink less water at night... but I always get nauseous if I don't drink enough of the stuff. Same as eating I suppose. Sigh*

TRUE STORY ---^

And Clearly... the worst one of all of them lately... has been. . .

                         F A T I G U E !!

                                                                         

I have had the worst time with finding the energy to do just about anything! I know partially its in due to not being able to work out as much. But I'm sure with the move we are planning soon, I should get plenty of it. And besides which I hope to also start a pre-natal excercise routine after it. So hopefully that will also help.

But besides the neverending paperwork, from new rental applications, to food stamp forms needing to be re-completed due to changes in my current situation, and filing my taxes... Planning this move, handling month to month finances, and trying to remain in good health, I barely have time to breathe these days. Let alone relax. But am determined to do so, since insomnia seems ever to loom just right around the corner. . .

I'm pretty sure, I've experienced ALL of the pregnancy symptoms, I'm mentioning here and in the memes as well.

I've been lucky, though. The one thing I can still seem to accomplish in spite of the constant fatigue etc. ...

CROCHET

These are my Baby Bear Beanies ------>

 Handmade with Xtra Love. 💗💟

So at least despite not being able to keep up with the household chores like I wish I could,  -_-'   I'm at least not completely and totally useless... (or at least feeling like I am. 😔)

Anyway, I've also experienced another unexpected and unprecedented symptom to this entire mess...

I call it...

Snippyness  -(i.e. just another word for total Bitch-ing-ton)

But I guess the thing that has really pissed me off the most durring all this, was the insatiable and incredibly inumerable amount of lies I'm being told about being pregnant! (ok, so I exxagerate this, but it's frustrating)

According to What to Expect.com (www.whattoexpect.com)

the second Trimester is said to be the happiest. (as well as the women from the WIC office and others). And I just love how at the end of some of their videos they say things like:   ". . . And don't forget to enjoy your pregnancy!"

😕  REALLY!!?!?  😕

seriously!

But along with the snippityness... I've found sometimes sadness will hit me like a bullet train on a runaway downhill mudslide of metal and debris!

So the rollercoaster of emotions has been a real picnic of a ride as well.

And yet... in spite of it all,... My boy has been with me through the good and the bad.

Helping out with the chores as much as possible... even on top of already working a full-time job and getting paid well for it. So I gotta give the guy his props. He puts up with my snippyness on a daily basis. And still treats me like a queen. 😭🙌🙌🙌🙏👸🙇

MAD RESPECTS. I luv that guy. 💘

In spite of all of my difficulties in all this, I find that I have to constantly remind myself...

It will all be worth it... In the end.

~ CLynn

My Pregnancy: Week 11 Day 5

                                So far it's been a pretty rough road. As I'm sure it always is for new mothers. But I am constantly finding I need to remind myself that it will all be worth it in the end.
                           I've wanted a family of my own for quite some time now. Esp. as I am getting on in years. I know 33 isn't old, but when you have a biological clock forever counting down, it seems that the desire to not become an old maid is emphasized.

              That said, I have been both elated to finally be able to start this...

               However, I've learned that the burdens of motherhood, are . . . well... not as easy-breezy as most women will lead you to believe...

                And for those of my friends who are interested in how I've been doing, I've decided to try and start this pregnancy diary for my blog.

Day 5 - Week 11:
                                         The nausea has lessened. As I near the end of the first trimester. I'm grateful to have made it through what they call the roughest part. I've been told by a nutritionist that the second trimester is supposed to be the "Happy Trimester".
               I hope that's true.
                                    Since it's start, I've had the WORST Nausea I've ever had my entire life! I've had moments where I thought for sure, my food would come up. And sometimes it seemed to be triggered by something as simple as a smell!
                 Luckily I have NOT as of yet thrown up. Whenever the nausea has hit, I have been able to mitigate it. Using ginger. My wonderfully supportive partner in crime will make me a lovely hot cup of Ginger Tea with honey. Which has helped the nausea immensely. And he's taking special care to keep our fridge freshly stocked with Ginger Ale. -^.^-
         I'm soo lucky to have found such a wonderful man. 💕

                        The Ginger Tea, and Ginger Ale, has been a LIFESAVER. When it comes to the extreme nausea I've been experiencing.

                       

This illustration is soo tru ---/^

I've had the Naseua and the pain in my boobs, (which seemed to have ballooned).

Not to mention...

FATIGUE!

I should have been warned about the fatigue! Because it seems to have hit me like a freight train! I'm literally tired like ALL THE TIME!!

It's been relentless!

The only thing that has helped with it?

Vitamins!!!

B12 is my new best friend.

And without those prenatals, I would be forced to sleep ALL FREIKEN DAY!!!

SERIOUSLY!

I'm like a chronically exhausted Cow, without them!

I'm pretty sure what it is (scientifically speaking 👓👔) is that without the added nutrients, the baby is taking ALL of the precious nutrients from me, this results in my nutrients being greatly taxed and leaving me with none to allow my body to function efficiently thereby leaving me with NO ENERGY whatsoever!

So... yeah....

💊💊   VITAMINS!!   💊💊

But like I said, the nausea seems to have calmed down. And now as long as I am gulping down the B12s, the Prenatals, and the rest of my Vital Vitamins, I am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

I only hope, that the next Tri, will be easier than this one. Like that nutritionist said.

Happy. 😕

Poor Bubelleh... He misses the spooning. 😓

~ CLynn  🐄

Raising A Dream -- -/\-

                    When your struggling to survive. To maintain a home. A roof above your head. Trying to make a life in this world, from the shattered existence left by a life lost and squandered upon the fields...

                    What's the worst thing you can possibly do?
            THE ABSOLUTE WORST...?

                                                                          - Include Family. 

. . . but a loving and dear friend can always bring you back... to a better place:

And then you get the best kind of advice that anyone can receive. 💓💕

A lot of toil goes into a garden before the vegetables are ready to be picked. You can fantasize about how nice it would be to zip right past all the groundwork, drudgery, and patience that is essential for turning a good idea into an awesome reality. - At some point, you need to break from such reveries and get to work if you are going to make your harvest happen. The power is in your hands to raise the crop of your dreams.

~ CLynn✌