What can
you do?
What should you do?
When
you are going through a kind of a hell?
Do you ignore it?
Pretend
like everything is fine?
No.
And you certainly don’t pretend to be happy.
But I found the only way I can endure…
The only
way to make it easier…
Like
punching a wall,
To
relieve the anger…
Like smashing in a cardboard box,
To
express your frustration…
Or
biting your tongue until it bleeds,
To
soften the pain that you feel…
When we endure hardship…
It is
the only way we can get through…
When
the waves get high, and the cold freezes your bones…
When the anger swells within… And the frustration mounts…
When the hatred bubbles your veins… And the pain becomes blinding…
When the wind whips at your face… And your muscles tighten beneath the strain…
What do you do?
Do you
ignore it?
Looks
like you’ve drowned.
Do you talk about how refreshing the breeze feels on your
skin?
There
goes your house…
Do you close your eyes and imagine a better place?
There
goes your arms…
Do you imagine a happy place?
And
your legs…
Do you
think about puppies and kittens?
Oh,
aren’t they cute? Especially when your dying inside…
No!!
You
grit down! You buckle up! You dig in your heels, and clench your fists! You grit
your teeth and you get your hands dirty! And scrape up the pieces! . . .
You don’t take the abuse, but instead you get even.
How do
you expect someone to endure a great suffering?
I… could never handle that whole thing… I was miserable
there.
And
everybody seemed to just make it worse. Acting like it was nothing. And
gloating about their wonderful lives…
Each day
I would grow sicker from it…
Going
home to an empty bed. While they walked off to their homes with their families
arm in arm… Cradle infants. And kidding with little old mothers…
I could
never go through the same horror I went through before…
Ignoring the fact that she is crying while your brother
loses focus onto other things, to try to cheer her up…
I nearly saw it again…
Through
the eyes of another man…
And it
still killed me inside.
If I
must be alone, let me be. Please!
Or acknowledge the misery… acknowledge me please!
But
don’t pretend like it’s ok. Like I shouldn’t really care.
Like I should ignore that fact that I’m alone. Or that I’ve
never been married at the age of 31 now…
Or never had kids…
While
kids half my age have done all of that and more…
And go
home to a house full. And get to complain about a mess… that one of their loved
ones made…
It had
sickened me…
And
it still sickens me…
To
this very day.
I had friends…
And then
those friends went away…
They
found other friends…
Other
lives…
Other
family….
I guess they’d rather be around.
So,
why are they in shock and awe over this?
When I tell them I never want to see them again?
I
don’t have that kind of luxury, you know.
So,
I would rather be alone, then be around people that make me feel even more and
more alone…
Because by myself, I make good friends.
Friends
that never walk away…
Loyal
always to a T.
There
when you need them.
Always
there for me…
And
they are pretty much, like me…
We
are all the same there…
And we
talk very little…
Because
we really don’t need words.
We
already know…
We
already know…
That’s why I’m happy.
Will you let me be happy?
Will you
let me go?
Let
me be happy?
Maybe
one day…
I
will find a friend who stays….
One
who is loyal…
One
who accepts me…
Always
there…
Always
ready to share…
But
never pushes me to change….
Never
forces me to be something else… To act a certain way… Or to pretend like everything’s
ok… when it’s clearly not…. so, you can return to your solitaire, miserable,
lonely stare…
Give me
someone, who will cry with me!
Give me someone who will share my misery!!
Give
me someone who’s sincere!!!
Not someone… who doesn’t care.
Give me
someone who can do something, to prove they truly feel your pain?
To help you out, when you fall in the rain…
Not
someone who will shake their head. Or bow it low, when you run out of bread.
Sobbing like in spirit, when they watch you from afar. And then celebrate with
others, while you persistently fall sinking ever deeper into the mire.
I don’t
need your pity.
Give
me your hand.
And I
don’t need to be around people,
Who
constantly remind me of the things I don’t have…
Maybe
they don’t realize it. But it is the reason I’ve been weeping.
And maybe they’ve been watching… but they go on . . .
boasting…
Keep
boasting…
Keep
reaping…
I hope this
is your time….
I
sincerely hope your joy surrounds you…
Until
your end in time.
Because, you can’t be joyful forever…
Suffering
like nothing in the wind…
And
one day I will have my turn.
And
then you can sink while I do the swimming!
The day is coming.
Oh,
let it come.
I’m
waiting to return the favor…
Waiting
to gloat about the sun!
But
I don’t plan to gloat at all… because I do see and know the truth…
Because I know that every little gift from above, is truly
precious and sacred to.
So, I
won’t say I’m miserable, when those days come.
Or
complain about the burning heat.
Or argue
with people, over how adorable is he?
Because I will be too busy being happy. And looking all
around. To find the soul that stands to weep. That soul which should be you…
And I
will gather to them, see… but not in a force able way…
And give of what I know they need… not pity… and not a
parade…
Not
love… and not just a helping hand… but copious amounts of feed.
To fill
not only their empty bellies. . . . .
But
also their hearts,
Indeed.
[- April 19, 2018 -]
~ CLynn
