Dear
Reader,
The following is going to no doubt sound like just another
whining rant to you from the heart and mind a disturbed and depressed upon
soul.
Though
in truth, I really do not care what you think.
For you see… this post is not for
you, the reader… so much as it is for me,… the author.
A way for me to analyze myself. Hypothesize
myself. And deduce the solution/solutions to an age old personal affliction….
I’ve been feeling severely,
extremely depressed lately.
Not because of anything in
particular, I suppose. But then… it seems the feeling is made worse whenever I
go out.
Why is it we are bombarded by it in
the media today? It’s not just online. It’s not just on television, radio,
news, magazines… it’s everywhere!
I can’t even rely solely on school
to be an escape from it!
Another student mentioned that she
also suffered from depression in a classroom discussion… She said, that school
was like her support group.
Not for me….
I don’t know how many times, I’ve
been forced to watch an educational video for class, and felt intensely more
depressed coming off of it!
Why?
Why you ask?
Because…
It’s the same reason that I DON’T like to watch very much
television anymore.
“Nothing is more important than
family!” – That was a quote from a new popular series introduced on FOX
recently.
It really doesn’t matter which one…
their all the same…
Family is everything…
Is there a pressure behind it?
Is there a subliminal message that
a group of individuals are trying to get through to the masses?
Frankly…
At
this point?...
I don’t really give a rats ass!
But it pisses me off to no end.
So why the abject isolation?
That
is why!!
Family…
You walk through a store… and what
do you see? Nice things… things you can’t afford.
Nice people… people with families.
People with friends. People who have people to talk to regularly. People who…
are never alone. People who wouldn’t last a day in your kind of self-purging
isolation.
And then… you see adverts like that…
And school lectures on how to be
happy…
And they say things like: “Nurture you relationships. Spend
time with family and friends. Cherish the little things in life. Be grateful.
And share with others…”
Right.
Who?
I’ve lost every friend I’ve ever
tried to keep. Like holding onto water as it falls like rain…
And the ones that are still here
for me, I cannot rely upon to always be there when I need them. When can you
lean upon a friend?
When you have one you can lean
upon?
Never had one like that…
Guess, I’ve never been one either.
Though I’ve tried to be there…
Makes
no difference, really.
But simple friendship is soo far
from the general problem…
And
nobody believes in room mates anymore.
Irony…
Irony…
is… when people talk to you and are amazed that you are thirty years of age!
Because you look soo young…
Because
you act young…
Because
you can’t truly grow up…
Because.
. .
And the more I get around others,
the more uncomfortable I am starting to feel…
Like…
Some
kind of outcast. Some kind of freak.
A destitute woman, for certain. And
she is a grown child walking alone.
A sad life for anyone.
Like
the woman in “Diabolique”……. Only. . . she had a husband… And a friend… HAD.
Doesn’t that old man… who lives
alone down the street?...
Doesn’t he have friends who visit
with him, also?
Relatives?
He
gives to others…
He
visits people…
He
gets out… doesn’t he?
But for all I know, he does have
family somewhere.
Children and such.
And even the widow who lives below
me…
Has
family she sees.
What kind of separate creature am
I?
That
I cannot integrate among the larger herds?
I’m finding it more and more
difficult each day to be among them…
Lost
feelings, like I don’t belong. And lucid day dreams of what it would be like to
have some friends. Friends you see on the regular. And talk to. And hang with.
But for some reason. With me, that
always leads to trouble.
And
I’m soo tired of trying…
And trying to be someone I’m not.
Just to fit in…
It’s also the reason I can’t seem
to make the meetings…
The
last few I went to, I remember sitting through with tears. People thought I was
just mourning the loss of someone. Others used to think it was just my
depression.
I suppose that is what it is…
The
depression…
But
every meeting?
. . . . You sit through meeting
after meeting, crying in your seat. Weeping and trying to stay quiet, while
they speak…
After
awhile, you realize…
You
feel this way, because… even the few friends you have here… have lives and
families of their own…
Brothers and sisters…
For
a brother. . . or a sister… they sure don’t like to spend time with you…
Maybe because I’m always depressed?
Gee,
I wonder why?
Or perhaps because they have lives
of their own, families, and such…
After a while… it gets harder and
harder to be around others…
Even
for brief periods of time. . .
Watching
parents interact with their kids. Parents my
age. Some even younger…
Married folk… sharing the spiritual
load.
Men
taking the lead… talking about other brothers and sisters who are doing great
things… because they had such a great support system at home. Or they are
married and simplifying their lives…
You
hear more about family worship… than anything else.
I’d always worship alone.
After
a while, it just gets hard.
To sit there… and pretend like your
ok with not having a family like that. Ok with having few friends. All of whome
…have either been married, or had children…
So…
in essence. They really can’t fully relate to you… despite how close you try to
be…
So… now you know… the why…
The
forced isolation.
The
forced loner’s calling…
When.
. . ever… there is. . . such great pain… over lucid thoughts. . . . . of a never-ending
stream of . . . “How to be Happy”… commercials,
advertisements, television shows, media, social online, school videos, radio,
the list has no end… one has little choice really…
But to return to the only joys
which you might have left in life.
And
I find I’m happiest alone.
When
I’m not around it all.
Because… I guess. . . I don’t
belong…………………………………………………………………………
~ 10-04-17
~ CL
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