Love Thy Neighbor ^_^

OMG! You'll never believe what happened to me today!  My neighbor (from the downstairs apartment) just came and brought me some food!  She gave me some wonderful stuff! Leftover from her trip to the pantry, I guess. ^.^    Some fruit. Apples, pineapples... Some more gluten free cereal! Some rice! Some lettuce... What a sweet old gal. She also said if I need anything, she is just right downstairs. She hopes that I feel safe here. Since I live alone. And said that if I need anything heavy lifted, her son could come and help me. He's... a little... slow? I guess that's what you'd call it. But they seem a decent sort of folk. And she said she knows of some more food pantries. That if I want, we could go to them together. Since her son is a big guy, he can carry all the heavy stuff. She's some kind of religion, I can't remember. But she believes in helping out a neighbor and showing kindness and love to all.
          Jehovah has truly blessed me. I am soo lucky to have such a loving and caring God to be here for me. When I need him most. <3


             (Ecclessiastes 3:8)  - He's right. There is a time to love... and a time to hate. And now, I find that the sweetest of souls, take the longest to find.

                                                                                                                      ~ Crystal LM<3

Breathe in the Clean Air, Breathe out the Bad...

     

 

 I'm sorry that I always seem to have something negative to say...

I just have a lot of darkness/saddness inside of me. That I need to get out.

Some guys...

just make me want to die.

I'm sorry I ever stumbled upon such souls...

That's all I've got to say,

                ~ Crystal LM [-_-,]

The Neverending Life's Dilema

                        This is crazy, but I've decided to bump it up to two posts a day. Because I still need to transfer all of my poems here. And everyday its something new with me.
                          There are soo many things I can't stand about myself sometimes.
                        How stubborn I get. How narcissistic I seem. Self-centered. [-_-]...
                        The curse of the Loner I'm afraid.

                         But I was going to post something from my Facebook account.
                        I... woke up around 1:00 A.M. and couldn't sleep. Took a certain medication too soon, and fell fast asleep around 4:30 ish. PM. I'll have to start taking that one alot later, I think.
                       
                         I'm beyond depressed right now.
                         I'm trying not to be...
                         But...
                          It's getting harder and harder to find joy these days.

                       I love my home. And where I live.

                      But outside of it, the world is filled with misery!

                      I was going to write here about another reason I left Facebook. . .

                      MEN!!!

                      Quote the book 'Star Wars: Tales of the Bounty Hunters.' =  "...We don't need that scum!"

                       Lol. But that's how I feel.
                     I can't find a decent one among the lot of 'em. I'm starting to feel as though single decent men do not exist. Perhaps they went out with the dinosaurs... Or at least the middle ages?

                     At any-rate, I got tired of getting horrid friend requests from guys. At first, I thought. Well, I could be related to this guy. He looks alot like my couzin. So I'ld accept them. And then, when they message me, I'ld ask them, "Are we related somehow?"
                       But I quickly found out that they were just trolling for chicks. *gah*  [>_<]
                    The ones from other countries are soo rude! Don't they know about american manners!?
                   You don't just friend a complete stranger. And then start messaging them right off the back! And then talk about how sad you are because your girlfriend just dumped you... right... Like I care!?        But I know what they were up to. Trying to make me feel sorry for 'em, and sh*. Excuse the language. I just get frustrated sometimes.
                     They're just lonely and looking for a pretty girl to "comfort" them. [9_9]   C'mon man. I wasn't born yesterday!
                  If they wanted to find a girl for 'that' purpose. You aren't looking for a friend, boyo! Your looking for a... well lets just say he should have tried one of those hook up sites.
                    But it does bring me down, though. How they all seem to be the same. (-_-,)

                   I wrote this yesterday. But it fits with what I'm saying here:

God I feel soo depressed right now...

I just...

There's soo much negativity in the world out there.

I just keep thinking,

How on earth are we supposed to keep the darkness at bay?

When it seems to come at us in waves?

When it engulfs us like a sandstorm!?

I was reading a post about a guy(a witness) who was just fed up with the way that women were treating him...

Another girl,...

felt the way I did... before...

Not sure exactly why.

They never seem to specify.

We all think that no one else will understand. That's why we keep most things to ourselves.

But now I'm beginning to realize.

I'm not the only one.

So, I expressed my side.

And shared a similar tale.

But it's got me feeling soo down.

Because I can't help but feel.

Like that guy won't read the post in time...

Or see that...

That it's not just the women.

Men use them to.

I wasn't aware of the extent to which they were actually being used reached out to! And now it all makes sense sort of. Men don't trust us anymore.

And you can't blame them...

But to punish us all...

Well...

It just isn't fair.

I'm a decent sort.

But if a good looking guy like that...

gives up on all women,

because of a few bad eggs...

Well...

I fail to see any hope remaining.

For mankind.

And I just wish...

To God himself,

that he would just bring the new order already...

And save us all.

From this terrible world.

In which we are forced to live.

~01-30-17

                          So you see... this blog will prove to be... my sacred refuge. (virtually speaking) From the nightmare that surrounds us...

                                                                                                Your Lady in Waiting,

                                                                                                             ~ Crystal LM👸

-~- INSPIRATION -~-

                 I've always been blessed by inspiration. And wondrous things to write about. Sometimes the words come to me, faster than I can put them down. And I feel as though, a portion of this is lost. But the heart will always be there. Somewhere. Hidden beneath the words I write.

                    

Oh, how this little flower,

so pure,

seems to sit atop a hillside.

For rain storms come,

and gale winds blow.

But faithful as ever,

she stands,

alone.

And when the storm clouds,

come to pass.

And when the rain,

is done at last.

The bright blue sky,

returns the sun.

And she opens her eyes,

to see it's done.

And taken back,

by what she sees.

The breathtaking valley below her,

filled with green grass,

and trees.

And rolling hills,

of the most awesome view.

And the beauty,

gives her the strength.

To continue.

~ Crystal LM 💦💨🌞💖

The Cats that Never Were...

Hai again,

I felt it important to make at least one post a day. To keep the blog going roughly.
And anyways, I forgot to mention in my last post about that emotional rollercoaster I was on.
You see the weekend before the Endoscopy procedure, I tried yet again to get a kitten/cat for a pet.
I will do my best to explain what happened with that. Probably similar to what occurred before.
I took little 3/4. week old Mr. Bigglesworth home with me on Friday of last weekend.
At first everything seemed fine, and it was alright. The kitten got along very well with me and seemed happy. He ate his food and drank his water/milk. He used his new litter box. And played happily with me. However, the next couple days, I began to notice a pattern developing.
Before I had gotten the kitten, I was already struggling with lack of sleep. I had been sleeping like a cat for practically a whole week, unfortunately. Getting about only two hours of sleep at a time. And then not being able to sleep for a couple of hours after that. So I would sleep often... But never enough to fight the growing fatigue and stress on my body.
This was no problem at all for the kitten. And I had figured since I was sleeping like a cat anyways, that taking care of the kitten would be fine.
How very wrong I was. 😿
I knew that at some point my body's overall fatigue, would overcome the regular routine of chronic insomnia. And that I would eventually be able to sleep a complete 7 to 8 hour night! And so as usual, I waited for that to happen.
Meanwhile, my anxiety was getting worse and worse due to the lack of sleep and worry that seemed to grow over my financial situation. I feared that if I was unable to sell my laptop, I would not be able to afford the pet deposit in order to keep the cat. 😬. And to top it off, my toothache was getting worse. I needed more money to get my tooth pulled and would not receive further help with that from my dental insurance until August.
I still needed to get my car registered and my electric bill was getting higher because of my continued failed attempts to take in a pet. I kept trying to make it easier for the little fuzzies to find the litter box, ect. Which wasn't helping my already skyrocketing light bill. 😟. Probably also due to the holidays, colder weather, ect.

Anyhow, getting back to the cat...
The kitten was on its own (apparently) strict schedule of sleeping two hours at a time. And then in between that, constant play time and demanding of my attention via mewing. Which was fine except for when I so desperately needed that extra sleep. For it seemed that the kitten would still want to play and get attention, while I would struggle to get some sleep. And he would be determined to keep me awake and demand attention. Locking him outside of the room was also not an option. *sigh* For this would only make him meow louder. Nonstop. So I simply could not get any sleep. Especially when I needed to.
As a result, it didn't take long for all of that built up anxiety to overwhelm me. Finally resulting in a massive panic attack. Or what I usually call an anxiety attack.
Now... An anxiety attack for me, is usually a complete and utter breakdown of overwhelming emotional stress. Basically I just lose the ability to function due to not being able to take the stress. And extreme fatigue begins to set in. Not allowing me to complete whatever task I may have been set out to do. The only way that I can really describe a basic panic attack is: Its a lot like having a sudden heart attack. It comes on rather suddenly and can sometimes feel like a heart attack. Hence the name. Its also kind of like being mortally terrified, without there being any reason to be scared. You're not sure why, but you fear the worst. And your body begins to go into a sort of panic mode. Some people sweat, shake, or cry a lot when it happens. Others might freak out completely. Or feel as if they are dying. I simply usually just break down and weep profusely. Until I can get myself to calm down. But I have also experienced much worser panic attacks.
Anyhow, that was what occurred. And after I had calmed myself down considerably, to where I could think clearly, I then decided that now was not a good time for me to have to take care of a kitten. It clearly proved to be too much for me. As it had proved to be before.
On Sunday. I contacted the lady I had gotten the cat from. I then returned the kitten to her care that evening.
As much as it felt like a supreme defeat, it also felt like a great relief. And allowed me to focus on preparing my small abode for my welcomed guest to lodge two days later...
So the emotional rollercoaster, was... Welcoming an adorable little furry friend into my home. Then breaking down. Having to return him. Feeling both depressed over it and yet relieved. And then after a finally decent nights sleep and a good meal, my emotional state returned to normal.
However, due to certain recent events. And bitter revelations, I have decided to break up that horrid constant waste of my time. Known as Facebook. At least, get further away from it for now. I've come to realize that I honestly hate it!!
"Damnit, Jim! I'm a writer, not a socialite!! "


~ Crystal😡



In Memorandum:   

posted from Bloggeroid

Back to School...... of Hard Knocks

Ello, again.

Long time no hear from me, eh. The past couple days have been just insane! From the realization of my rapidly declining health, to the failed attempts to stabilize an emotional rollercoaster that has no end. I've been through a lot lately. I guess I'll start with my tummy.
Apparently all of that time I spent without running water back in Michigan when I couldn't always brush my teeth on a regular basis, has finally caught up with me. That and thanks to the lack of calcium intake and possible malnutrition from my new strict diet on food and lack of funds to afford to eat properly, has resulted in a massive occurrence in tooth decay! As a result, because I couldn't afford to get them fixed right away, the pain quickly overwhelmed me. Forcing me to take the only painkiller that I had at the time... Aspirin...

Between the aspirin, and my stress levels from struggling financially, and over the holidays, and struggling to keep my car running all without having a job and living on an extremely small fixed income.... My stomach developed some majorly serious ulcers. Which is what my gastro-doc has found after my scheduled upper endoscopy on wensday. 😷.
So it seems a number of things are causing my overall health to decline rapidly.

Now I am reluctantly paying for all of it. I'm only grateful to Jehovah God that I at least have my Aunts to help me through all of this.
I only wish that people could understand how quickly I become overwhelmed by all of this. I always feel like I just wasn't cut out for living alone. Like I need help, you know. Like I've been met with defeat. Or like I've failed as a human being.
But then... That could just be my depression getting the better of me. 🤒

So now I've most definitely got to get a job,... So that I can pay back my Aunt for helping me out. And helping me to get my pain filled tooth removed.
Also in case my car does decide to quit on me.
So that I can afford to keep the unfortunate spur of the moment promises that I've made, out of a heart filled with love and desire to give and hopefully get close to others... *sob.
To be able to make more of the meetings, so that I might be able to serve Jehovah again.😢. No matter what happens to me, no matter what happens in my life,... I can't give up... On my beliefs. My mother wouldn't have wanted me to. And I don't want to let her down.


~Crystal😿



(01-26-17)

posted from Bloggeroid

A New Beginning

                    Ello.🖐 The creation of this Blog is for me, like "A New Beginning". A chance to erase all of the horrors of the past. Clean the slate if you will. And start anew. In order to find joy, I believe one must find inner peace first. I couldn't help but feel the need to start over again anew. Like an artist with a painting that he messed up on. Or a sculptor that forgot to include a limb... It seemed necessary for me to scrap what I was doing, clean up, and start over.
                       I have done that. By breaking up with the media fueled site, Facebook! And all of those fake friends I used to cater to each day. (-_-)  It's not because of any one person. But I have come to a realization. An awakening if you will. That I had been wasting soo much valuable time. And effort on that damned site. And getting nowhere. With anything! Not selling anything. Not growing any relationships. Not improving myself in any way. And not enjoying the ride, as well. If I am completely honest with myself, I HATE FACEBOOK!!  I hate it, because it's completely fueled by the media, propaganda, morons, and extremely rude socialites. Now I'm not saying that everyone is rude on there. Because I did have some good people on my friends list. But... in every other corner, I could find not a single decent soul. Of course, though, it only goes to reason that I would hate it. Since I hate people in general. But... there were other reasons as well. I couldn't manage to sell anything, because most of the people on it could not afford anything and wanted my items for next to nothing! They were rude to me about it. Trolling on the for sale groups, like thieves in the night. Waiting behind dark corners. For a chance to ruin someone's day. If they didn't like the product that someone was selling, they simply had to move on. They didn't have to make a huge scene over it. And cost the owner a possible sale of the product to someone else.
          As for my relationships... I could get nowhere with anyone. No one seemed to quite understand me. Or the fact that I was struggling to get close to them. Despite the fact that I continually posted updates on my status. Healthwise, financially, emotionally, ect.
            It's like I was running every day in every possible direction... and getting nowhere!
            So I asked myself:         "If you HATE Facebook, then why are you always checking it?"
                                               "To make money?"       - Nope -      "Can't seem to earn a dime!"
"To keep in touch with family?"    - Technically I can do that without Facebook. I can write to them. And they (if they truly care for me) can write me back. Or they can call me. They have my number... -
"To get my work out there? So that I could be discovered?"         - Hmmm... no discoveries yet. But besides that... A Blog can do the same thing. And I find a Blog to be a more purer way of self-expression. Since it is more like a journal, then a social call. -

                    In the end... it just made sense...

                    And with that, the decision was made.
                    And I deactivated my Facebook account.
                    And am slowly, but surely, moving my poems, art, and whatever else I feel necessary, here. To this blog.

              To me, it feels a lot like the words to "Waste" by Smash Mouth:

    " I'm moppin' up the floor
From messy recipes of romance
I'm packin' up the pots
Too many cooks in the kitchen..."

       

+ Below is the link to the song, if you'd actually like to hear it.

https://youtu.be/Iyawlnc375Y


                            May this... be a bright and color-filled Dawning... of a New Day/My New Beginning.


                                                                                                                  ~ Crystal Lm. 🔆(🔆)🔆