Tears & Pain

We all make mistakes...

But I often feel like... My mistakes... are killing me inside!

I may have pushed myself too hard this time.

I'm scared. And crying again.

My tummy really hurts.

And it's all my fault.

I should have taken the time... to fix a proper meal. A proper lunch...

But instead... I... just grabbed something quick. And was half starved. And ate too much of it. All because I... wasn't thinking. And made another stupid rash decision.

This hurts.

In more ways than one.

I helped the groundskeeper out. Because he needed to get rid of a piece of furniture that somebody else was throwing out. And I felt I could most certainly use it.

So I agreed to take it, if he could help me get it into the apartment.

That was fine.

But then the other nice neighbor below me, wished for my attention. We talk every so often, because she also lives alone. And is recently retired with not much to do...

Anyways, she had found out I was trying to get a cat at one time. But I explained to her why it didn't work out. That I love cats. But... I... maybe thought I needed an older one. One that didn't demand so much of my attention. Since I tend to struggle with other things...

Well, she wanted to help me find one. So she got online and asked if she could help me out. She offered to take me to the local shelter to see what kind of kitties they had there. But I explained I did not have the money to get one now. And the pet deposit... I wouldn't be able to cover until possibly next month...

She even offered to front me the adoption fee. Because they are having a special now. Only $15.00 to adopt... And said that it couldn't hurt to at least look. And see what they've got.

So I went.

But without eating.

Like a fool.

I came back half starved. And ate too many problem foods...

Aye Dios Mio! Why Jehovah? Why me?...

Why can I not stand firm and strong?

Why must I suffer this chronic pain? Fatique? Depression and Anxiety?

Why can I not be like everybody else?

Why!? Sob

It hurts...

I can feel the pain of the kitty. He is 3-4 years old. Tired. And sick with depression. I feel his pain. I want to help him. But I cannot even help myself. And that is perhaps... the most depressing thing...

...of all.

When I met him at the shelter, he looked soo sad. Soo laid back and... just soo down. And his picture... we are kindred spirits, he and I. For this world has made us gravely ill.

I feel my words are like “wild talk” (Job 6:2,3). But I cannot help for agony.

~ Crystal LM  😢🙇😫