Crystal Lynn's Blog: The Struggle is REAL

Why does it always seem like...

When you try to do what you know is right,

people have a way of making you feel bad about it?

Just because...

They're in the wrong...

'How I do miss the days of youth.

Cuddle warm,

Like sweet vermouth.'

I usually don't like to post about the bad stuff. About the hard times. About the rough times...

…. but I feel it necessary to keep... everyone informed on my conditions.

I think it's interesting... that... because I'm striving to do good,... that now is when I should begin to suffer the most.

And yeah. I could be over exaggerating... But these are all the facts...

Lately, my depression has been coming on me, sort of like The Flu! I've been achey. I've been tired. I've been down. I've been chronically fatigued... My head has felt heavy. And my eyes keep blurring out. On top of that, because I couldn't afford the good drinking water, it's like I have a sore throat now.

If it wasn't for the fact that I suffer from this mental illness... I would sumize that I was coming down with the Flu. But... I'm sure I would feel worse if it were that.

Besides this, battling the constant fatique is never ending. In attempts to get things done.

And each step I take...

is like...

taking two steps back.

I just found out. That I will need another $1,018 to get the rest of my teeth fixed.

I can't even afford to get the registration done on my car...

$1000.00!!

I almost want to say... Just let 'em rot...

But... that's the attitude that my father always had.

Besides all that, I'm still behind in paying my student loan from up north. I just haven't been able to afford it. I owe so much debt as it is. I've placed it in forebearance... so many times... I feel like,... at some point, they're going to demand I pay up. Sadly, it would have only been $50.00 had I been able to pay this month. But with my climbing bills and everything...

Each month it's sure to double.

As for my health. I really need the money to pursue that.

I simply cannot push myself through the fatigue, to manage a set exercise routine. I'm just not motivated enough, I guess. I feel as though... I've completely lost all ambition towards life. Like, I can't seem to get anywhere... so what's the point?

But if I could just afford the gas to go to the gym, (since I have free membership through my ins.) or if I could gain a decent pair of running shoes...

And though I know I need to make it priority one to get a job, I also know that with my depression and anxiety being at CRITICAL right now, I... need to proceed carefully.

The struggle is real.

Satan is also trying every method at his disposal to discourage me from striving to stay close to Jehovah.

I really don't even want to talk about some of the... dreams I've been having. This medication I'm on...

But I HAVE to take it! I found out the hard way, that if I don't my stomach will start to hurt with everything that I try to eat. I get bad acid reflux. And... if I eat too much of anything... well... the pain... …. there aren't really words to describe it. With depression ever hastened in it's wake.

Some days... after a rough night of... of feeling like crap... I'll wake up looking like I'ld been fist fighting all night! Like...

I really am fighting!

Black eyes 'n all!

Crazy.

But I can't help but feel completely and utterly and totally screwed!!!

Not only financially.

But physically... spiritually... and mentally/emotionally.

God in heaven! Give me strength!

And all I can seem to think about... is... are my relatives ok?

I'm sure that they are... but... I do worry about them. They haven't wrote in awhile. It just... I don't know. But it's been weighing on my mind lately. More than all this woe.

I know that most of my problems, are probably self-inflicted... I just... feel so...

Helpless... lost... and... dizzy from it all. From blow after blow. Wave after wave of this...

If I could just figure out... If I could just... just...

I don't know.

It's almost like repairing holes in a sinking ship.

You fix one, and then another starts to burst. You fix that one, and another one gives way. You bilge one deck of water, and another goes under. You succeed at clearing the water and debris from one level, and the other gets water logged!

And all the while you are battling the inevitable downfall of your precious baby, (the ship) you still haven't gotten a single inch closer to your overall goal.

In fact, in the confusion. It seems you've lost all sense of direction.

There's no way of telling if your going in the right direction, or not.